You’re no different than me and Scott. Every week–every day–poses its new challenges for you. We are all in this together, this thing called life. Wasn’t there a Dire Straits song about sometimes you’re the windshield, sometimes you’re the bug? I’ve read in many spiritual books that the trick is to remain centered and present through both experiences (tell that to the bug, right?!). Last weekend I lost my footing. Scott’s 6 months blog post where he said I’m shutting down …hit me, and many of you, like a ton o’ bricks.
People in Scott’s situation need to have confidence in their caregivers, especially their primary spouse/carer. It’s a key ingredient in their coping mechanisms and ability to enjoy quality of life.The past two months I had been pretty good at living up to Scott’s description of me, “Katy is my rock”. But when our hero told me, and then the world via this blog, that he was shutting down, I had a sudden irrational belief that he meant he was going to flip his switch that very day, very saddhu-like, walking out over the water with his uncle’s bear cane and up to the castles in the sky that Jimi sings of and Scott recently painted, shown below.
That didn’t happen. However, my own switch flipped. Emotions I’d been tamping down for half a year suddenly came bubbling up out of their deep container and when I realized I had to push them back down again I briefly went into what can only be described as an anxiety attack. I’ve never had one before. It was kind of like menopausal hot flashes on steroids and LSD. Having never done LSD I am only guessing at that last part. But anyway it scared me. My first thought was I have to keep myself together as Scott is depending on me. So I went to see a psychiatrist on Monday. Talking helps. I highly recommend it to all you caregivers out there reading this. And he said go and get a comprehensive exam so we can rule out anything physically wrong with you. I did that on Wednesday and you can read about it here. Meanwhile when I came back from my all day examination, Scott was having a very bad day that continued into the night. I felt caregivers guilt at having been gone all day even though he was with a nurse. I was worried he would not have the strength to move rooms the next day as needed. The pain expert came by the hotel that night and we adjusted Scott’s medicines and reviewed how to administer them so that I feel more confident in relieving Scott’s symptoms as they come up.
On Thursday we shifted from our ocean facing suite to two side by side rooms with a connecting door we keep open on the quiet and shady side of the hotel because yet another spectacular Indian wedding party is taking over the Marriott..I told our Nurse Gang to dress up today so she and I can go crash it. They’ve set up a massive tent complete with tin roof and air conditioners that is like a separate wing of the hotel and it’s promised to be the most lavish wedding the hotel has ever produced. We just want to go in and sneak a peak at the festivities. I’m told Indian weddings welcome strangers to the event as it brings good luck. And we feel very lucky indeed. Why? Because the new meds and the more peaceful side of the hotel allowed Scott a 6 hour solid sleep his first night in the new digs. I feel stronger and have more energy today, he said. So do I, darling. So do I.