a day of pain

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A Day In Pain
by scott morgan ©2013

my doctor who helped me create Smile 2 the End Foundation and has been with katy and i 8 months plus, suggested i put on video or in writing
what it’s like to be the receiver of
all the pain pills
and pain
when you’re at your
end of life situation.
so here is a typical day:
i never sleep more than 2 hours in a row
even with morphine and heavy sleeping drugs
i must be turned from one side to another
at least every two hours or less
due to no flesh between bones…so i wake up in excruciating pain
and my whole body must be turned
completely.
i’m on opiates 24 -hrs-a-day
extremely strong, make you quite anxious and dizzy.
i have to sit up
sometimes for 10 or 15 minutes
just to recover from the pain in my bones.
none of the pain pills or opiates or medicines take the
bone pain away.
after turning
i lay thinking about how and what i’m going thru 24-=hrs-a-day
every 2 hours.
what is pain?
pain is what your body can take
and how it distributes the different feelings you get from the combination of internal struggle, the opiates, your own thoughts, what it takes to put up with this day in and day out.
you can lay in bed as i do without getting up for months….
…but it doesn’t change.
at the end of your life you don’t know what to expect
or when to expect it
it’s every hour, every day, as long as you can last.
my inner strength
comes from knowing that if i can see the sun come up
the sun go down
a smile on my lover’s face
or just the smallest positive thing on the television, computer, ANYthing
that can bring a smile is
all
i
need
to keep going.
but the pain doesn’t stop.
morphine, dilaudid, fentynol–which is a patch that gives me 24 hr morphine–only hides the surface. pain goes on, doesn’t go away…
it’s something you never realize can happen until
it happens to you.
when you’re at the end
the experience of real pain
is stronger than you’d hope on anyone.
you must be strong
you must be able to wait it out
let the drugs do their part
have a strong conviction to go on.
that’s pain.
###

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16 thoughts on “a day of pain

  1. Scooter you are a brave man. An incredible example to us all. I live with pain, arthritis and joint discomfort but nothing even remotely close to what you describe. Your will and tolerance is simply amazing and heroic. Love and hugs to you buddy. Thinking of you now and every day. xxoo R I Z

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  3. Thank you, Scott, for helping us understand something we can’t feel until we’re there. You’ve provided yet another life lesson to help others, and Katy is there to make sure it is shared.

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  4. Scott, thank you for sharing your very personal journey and ofcourse your art. I am sending you a lovely soft hug for you to add to the treasure chest to share with your Katy. ((Hugs))

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  5. Katy,
    Liz just asked me Wed night on our hike if I had read Scott’s post on pain. I was afraid to log on to see how much more weight he had lost…but looking at his photo is such a blessing. I can see the light & life shining through those blue eyes. Thank you, Scott for sharing your magnificent life through your poetry and art.

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