this is it


It was his last Monday. Our friend Sanjiv was on hand. I was at breakfast and Scott had someone summon me with urgency. It might have been Sanjiv. It might have been Ganga the nurse.

“This is it!”, my lover said to me as I came into the room. “Sit with me. This is it!”

I sat with Scott and held his hand. Sanjiv sat on the other side of the bed. Scott had felt something inside his belly shift. That day was different than other days. The pain felt different, he said. The countdown had begun. We spent 8 hours holding hands that Monday. Talking. Laughing. Silently being together. More in love than ever. In the bigger love. The universal love.

There was no rushing. There was time to share with me. There was time to laugh with Sanjiv one more day. After several minutes of togetherness in silence he said “Happiness”.  Just happiness. A mantra worthy of repeating. We spoke of so many things yet “happiness” is mostly what I remember. He told me he was glad that I was with him. He told me he was not afraid. He held my hand tightly and beamed at me with those baby blues. It physically hurt him to do so but he did so anyway. I would not let go.

Scott did not die that day. And not that night. He seemed surprised. Crying wolf one more time. Scott never lost his mind, his essence, his lucidity until a few hours before he chose to go galaxy-hopping. On a Wednesday morning. On a sunny day. In a beautiful place. In an exotic land. With a woman he loved who loved him back.

Happiness. Just happiness. THIS is it.




5 thoughts on “this is it

  1. Katie – thanks for this. Very moving. All best

    Andy Thornton

    President/Co-owner LaDIFF

    125 South 14th Street Richmond, VA 23219 (804) 648-6210 (804) 648-1409 Fax “Located in the heart of Richmond’s Shockoe Design District”

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  2. Katy, your words get me every time.

    Apologies, but I had a wee cry there, for you and for Scott. But, then I look at those beautiful smiles on both of your faces and they make me smile again, so much love between you both.

    Sending you lots and lots of hugs from Scotland 🙂


  3. Thinking of you and Scott especially today. I was at Siem Reap the end of August, and visited Ankhor Wat. I had been there before, so was sort of dreading the heavily accented narrative of the tour guide, but just as I started to climb the first flight of steps, the tour guide exclaimed, “Look!! there is a butterfly!” Scott led me in and seemed so happy to flit along ahead of my path during the entire visit.
    Happiness. Happiness to you on a difficult day.


  4. Pingback: happy memories replace sad ones | going to goa

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