11/11…baby steps

…and it was gray, and grayer the deeper he went. What if it was deeper than he had figured? But soon the light changed, the muck brightened, and he was headed out, towards clear sky and sun again. He said that was the best sight in the world: the world.   ~ Jospehine Humphries

sdm_tunnel

It’s hard not to keep track of time in terms of how long it’s been since Scott left my world. Two months today. One thing that he was all about was seeing the world, doing things, and keep on truckin’. I feel myself getting tiny bits and pieces of “normal” back each day. Well, not every day, but at least some days. My friend Constance gave me a book called Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief (you can see it on amazon.com). I can manage a paragraph a day and that is what the book gives me: a quote like the one at the top of this post, a paragraph of comfort, and an affirmation (yes we can!) at the end of each day’s passage.

I’m not wallowing. Not anymore. He would hate that and I know it. It is the only thing that keeps me from wallowing in my grief. Each day I accomplish something on my long To Do List. I’m going to tackle a mountain of paperwork this week. See if I can whittle it down and feel in control of something, anything. The days zipping by and how can they when Scott isn’t here to see them?

Getting out there in the world requires more than my tentative baby steps. By nature I’m a nester, and I prefer the warmth and privacy of my home and my art studio, especially in the winter. To borrow a line from Scott’s industry friend Pasquale, “Scott was my happiness provider”. Now I wear this unseen veil…this fog…this here-but-not-hereness. I will see the world again.  We have this day

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5 thoughts on “11/11…baby steps

  1. Katy, Scott can still be your happiness provider… every memory that makes you smile or laugh, every little thing you see or do that you know Scott would love. all of these will see you through. and you always have your friends to listen, to talk, to care, and to love you.

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    • Thank you for your friendship, Maureen. You who know of what you speak. A couple of old friends from NYC are arriving today to spend a few hours with me on their way to Asheville. The distraction is welcome and it’s a beautiful day.

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  2. Yesterday yielded a golden butterfly sighting. As I walked the dogs with two visiting friends in the park the flutterby danced along beside me and then the dogs and then on ahead. This morning I dreamed of him. Young. Innocent. Clean shaved and yet old enough. A man. Embarking on life. Coming down a corridor that could have been an airplane terminal. Coming towards me and we embraced. Oh…I was young, too. Sweet.

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  3. Pingback: aujourd’hui | going to goa

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